I’M NOT sure where I stand on junk mail.

Start talking about how many trees were chopped down so that I could get a brochure offering cordless electric peppermills and music boxes that play The Road to Mandalay, and naturally I’m against it.

On the other hand, my position shifts the minute you bring up the letters from the sweepstakes people. On a morning when there are no clean shirts in hubby  Tom’s drawer, the toaster looks as if it was baked by Mount St. Helens’ eruption, nothing makes the day look bright again like finding a letter in my mailbox that says: “Hello, Mrs. Pinkham, your problems may be over!” and it goes on to describe the fabulous prizes I already might have won.

I really want to believe these letters, even when they say: “Hello, Mrs. Bindeham, your problems may be over!” despite the fact that common sense tells me if they can’t get my name spelled right, it’s unlikely they’ll remember to pick up the laundry, have the toaster adjusted, or recall that Andrew isn’t eating tuna fish these days. Clearly, even if I do win their sweepstakes, my problems won’t be over.

Still, there is something awfully cheering about the prospect of being an instant winner for no reason at all. I don’t get disillusioned when I read the fine print and discover I have one chance out of 44 million to win. I have from time to time been told I’m one in a million, which right away gives me a leg up on the other 43, 999, 999.

On mornings I’m feeling especially optimistic, I’m convinced that the next sound I’ll hear is the doorbell, announcing the arrival of the folks that will notify me I’m a prizewinner. And so I always keep myself in full makeup for the cameras

Right now I’m in line for $100, 000 in cash, a round-the-world trip for two, a sailboat, and a flashlight, any of which I’d be happy to have. But there are several other items I’m not sure how to handle if I won. For example, there’s the offer to have my kitchen completely redone. I’d feel funny turning it down, but I’m not sure what Tom  would say – considering we just had the kitchen redone and I wasn’t able to serve a hot meal for six months.

The other thing I’m not sure of is how I’d feel about having my picture and my name printed with the information that I “Won $100, 000.” This opens up the possibility of finding your name on dozens of more lists for brochure offering electric peppermills and music boxes that play The Road to Mandalay.

I suppose it’s just as well that I can never find a pen to fill out one of those sweepstakes entries when they come in the mail and when I find the pen – the entry form is gone.

You  remember the book Joan Crawford’s daughter wrote. FROM what I hear today, it completely untrue. I understand she loved wire hangers.

What kind of book would your kid come up with? All you have to do is think about that for a couple of minutes and you’ll probably find some consolation for not being rich and famous. If you were, you’d be running the risk that someone living under your roof would write a book that would make you want to raise it.

I personally don’t think I have anything to fear. In the first place, I suspect there’s about as much interest in a tell-all book about Andrew Pinkham’s mom as there is in Whistler’s.

And in the second, if Andrew were inspired to write about me, I’d probably look OK – especially if his Mother’s Day present was any indication. Andrew presented me with a tape of spiritual music performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

What a relief. I don’t know how I’d have responded if he had brought home Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

His gift was one high point of Mother’s Day for me. Another was a call from a friend informing me that that there’s a new theory circulating to the effect that kids remember virtually nothing that happened before they were six years old.

This is almost as great as finding out that eating hot fudge sundaes is good for you.

I didn’t ask where she uncovered this theory. But it is something that I would like to believe, as any other mother can understand. It is true that if the kids don’t remember a thing, you’ll get no credit at all for such things as playing 15 straight games of Candyland. On the other hand, neither will they remember to hold against you the time you fed them baby food straight out of the fridge and the fact that you never managed to drag them to the art museum.

This theory, if it’s true, would really take the pressure off. For example, you wouldn’t have to worry about birthday parties until the child was approaching seven.

The matter of birthday parties, as a matter of fact, seems to confirm the theory. Whose kid, after all, should grow up more grateful than the one whose mom threw the best birthday parties ever? That, of course, was Joan Crawford. And look what happened when her kid grew up.

It’s been estimated that we wear 20 percent of our clothes 80 percent of the time. Unlike many statistics, this one makes sense to me, particularly if that other 80 percent consists mostly of clothes you’re waiting to fit back into. When you do lose the weight, will those clothes still be in style? Get serious about clearing out stuff. Here’s a helpful method for deciding what to salvage for yourself and what to salvage for the Salvation Army, other charity, or consignment shop.

• Ideally, you should take all your clothes into another room, then re¬trieve items as you need them. As you wear and launder clothing, return it to your bedroom closet, shelves, and dresser drawers. At the end of the season, you’ll have figured out which clothes you are really wearing. Now take a good, hard look at the rest.

• Even if you don’t have the luxury of an extra closet, you can man¬age a scaled-down version of this technique, Tie a ribbon at the front of the curtain rod, then return clothes in front of it as they’re worn and washed. Clothes behind the ribbon are the ones that should go. Similarly, designate drawers and shelves as the “re¬turn” area for other types of clothing. A similar trick: Hang all hang¬ers facing the same direction. Whenever you wear something, return it to the closet with the hanger facing the opposite way. Clothes hung in the original direction-the ones you clearly aren’t wearing-are the ones that should go.

• Devote one drawer exclusively to the implements you use all the time: spatula, tongs, slotted spoon, measur¬ing spoon, peeler, paring knife. You won’t have to rum¬mage through a ton of stuff for what you need.

• In the prop department of a theater company, I saw an idea to adapt to the kitchen. The tools were hung on a pegboard, and the silhouette of each was painted on the board so you knew just what belonged where. It’s a lot of work up front, but it pays off in the end because everything stays in its place.

• Put what you need where you need it: The silverware and dishes should be stored next to the dishwasher, for rapid emptying, or near the table, convenient to setting.

I believe always get other people to help even if they don’t do it as well as you would.

It’s very nice that manufacturers have come to the rescue with things like Hamburger Helper, but what we really need is Housework Helper. Or Hamper Helper. Though more women hold paying jobs than ever, they still have primary responsibility for housekeeping-as though having estrogen gives you special abilities to scrub and vacuum. But consider this fact: Though mostly women do the cooking at home, 80 percent of world-renowned chefs are men. Maybe the guys are hiding similar talents for wiping and dusting. Here’s how to get some help at home. Put on a sexy nightie. If that doesn’t work, you’ll need one of the backup plans below.

1. Leave a basket at the top and the bottom of the stairs to deposit items that should be brought up or down everything from the laundry to the library books. Make it a house rule to check the basket before going up or downstairs empty-handed.
2. People are often more willing to work when they know the job is close-ended. If you routinely call “work details” that last no more than 30 minutes, you’ll probably have an easier time getting everyone to cooperate.
3. If family members aren’t diligent about letting you know what grocery items need restocking, ask them to deposit the empty bottle or can, even the cardboard core, in a special “More, please” container.
4. One of my favorite tricks to keep track of paper supplies: Buy a color or pattern you normally never use and put it at the back of the closet. When it shows up, you’ll know you’re almost at empty.
5. Offer a reward. My generation worked for gold stars, but the ante has gone up. Every time one of the kids does a chore, keep a record of it in a notebook, with a Post-it slipped into a basket, etc. Award “Frequent Helper” points-like frequent flier miles-that pay off in treats.

• Make that useless cabinet above the refrigerator functional. Remove the doors, install vertical wood divid¬ers, and now you’ve got a place to store your trays, cutting boards, and cookie sheets.

• Don’t ignore the insides of the cabinet doors. They can hold lid holders and narrow shelves-along with hooks for pot holders, corkboard for messages, and more.

• If you have certain tools that you use only at certain times-the lamb cake mold for Easter, the cookie press for Christmas cook¬ies, the barbecue tools for summer months-they can be packed away until needed, staying dust-free and re¬lieving some of the clutter.

• Measure the total shelf space your spice collection takes up and put up Velcro (self-stick, stapled, or nailed) in the appropriate length(s) below your cabi¬nets. Then attach 1-inch squares of the companion pieces to your spice containers.

• Or buy a length of magnetic tape from the craft store, peel the sticky tape off the back, and press it high on the back wall of the kitchen cabinet-above the level of the other items. Attach metal spice cans to the strip. • Those clunky knife blocks take up a lot of room and rarely hold all your knives. A magnetic bar mounted on a wall is much more efficient and holds other metal items too-potato peeler, can opener, long spoons and forks.

• Your pegboard can hold more than tools. You can hang sturdy shelves on it, and they in turn can hold cook¬books, the toaster oven, coffee grinder, and other small appliances.

• Put a horizontal row of hooks along a suitable wall and use them for hanging anything from tools to a string of garlic.

• Under-cabinet appliances (and even radios) are made to solve the counter-space problem. So are plastic drawer units. Check out the possibilities.

THERE are people who actually make good on their threat to leave no tip, and then there are people like me who sneak a couple pf bucks on the table after that person has stomped off.

It is always possible that the waiter who not only delivers the meal late and cold, but argues that you asked for a rare steak when witnesses can confirm you ordered broiled bluefish, is a wonderful human being who is simply having a bad day; and I’m nice and compassionate enough to recognize this.

At least, that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I’m just afraid of being assaulted in the parking lot. Besides, I’m not fool enough to leave the full tip for bad service. I give just a portion of what my regular tip would be – plus a little extra: the guy is already having a bad day, so wouldn’t it be sad if his tips were off, too? As long as I’m telling you all this I might as well confess that I also always tip the hairdresser. And I mean always.
If I really don’t think I look great – if, in fact, when I look into the mirror and see a woman whose hairdo appears to have been inspired by a sheep shearing – I just say something like: “Well look at that,” instead of “You are an artist with hair?” Even so, I leave a little something. And then a little something extra – since I already hurt his feelings by being so unenthusiastic.

I know there are those who might think this is a matter of being weak-willed, but that’s not so. I’m simply planning ahead. Suppose a volcano wiped out all the other hairdressing salons in Minneapolis except this one?

The reason that tipping doesn’t work as it should is that tips are given after, not before, the service is rendered. That wasn’t always the case. Rumor has is that tipping began in 18th century England, where you dropped a coin into a box marked “To Insure Promptness” (or TIP) at the beginning of a meal.

Since those days don’t seem likely to return, a generous tip will never guarantee better service. I’ll keep giving them, though, in order to avoid possible retribution.

The other night, for example, I had a nightmare in which a particularly unpleasant waitress that I didn’t tip turned out to be my son’s college admissions interviewer.

I KNOW this may sound a little crazy at first, but bear with me and I think you’ll realize I’m just like the kid in the fable who noticed the emperor had no clothes.

This is what I believe: That pictures he.

What really got me thinking about this was the salad platter I was served in a diner the other day. What inspired me to order it in the first place was the little picture attached to the bottom of the menu showing three scoops of tuna, egg and chicken salad surrounded by crisp, raw vegetables. What actually arrived looked so little like the picture it couldn’t even be accused of impersonation. Even the plate was a different shape.

Then I remembered the island resort I’d once visited after seeing the brochure. In the brochure the room looked bigger, the walk to the beach looked shorter, the pool was full, there wasn’t a revolution going on – and it wasn’t raining.

Now, of course you can’t help wondering if this is the sort of thing that only you notice, so I checked with my friends. Sure enough, not one of them could remember ever coming out with a sweater that looked just like the one in the knitting book or completing a craft project that came out exactly like the picture.

My child never looked nearly as delighted with any toy as the kid who appeared on the wrapper. And I have never seen my family gathered around a game with the same enthusiastic expression as the family pictured on the box.

I followed to the letter the instructions for making an Easter cake decorated with a bunny, only for my son Andrew to ask what a kangaroo was doing on his dessert.

Still not convinced? Then ask yourself if it isn’t true that no kid looks as attractive in real life as he does in the pictures his parents carry in their wallets, while your child is clearly far cuter in the flesh than in any photo ever taken.

Aren’t movie stars in person always shorter, plainer, and balder than they appeared on the big screen? And as for yourself, haven’t you noticed that you’re actually quite a thinner than in any snapshot in which you appear?

Next time someone tells me a picture is worth a thousand words, I’ll say I wouldn’t believe one of them.

I DON’T think of my self as somebody who resists change – I was the first on the block to wear pantyhose, for example – but there are some things I just wish they wouldn’t fool around with.

I guess the folks at Coca-Cola learned their lesson in this department. (Of course, according to rumor, the original Coke, decades ago, had cocaine in it, so you can imagine the uproar when they changed the formula on that stuff.)

I don’t know what gets into these manufacturers to make them tamper with success. All I can imagine is that every once in awhile, there’s a slow day at executive headquarters and everyone’s sitting around the board room trying to figure out how to get busy so someone says: “Well, guys, we could change the formula.”

The engineers and the marketing and the public relations people probably all go for this right away because it gives them something to do.

Obviously, the more popular a product is, the less challenge there is for the engineers (who don’t have to retool the machines); and the marketing people (who don’t have to figure out new selling strategies); and the public relations people (who don’t have to publicize the product, since everyone already knows about it); so probably that’s why you find some of the things you like best are the most likely to go.

Think about this for even a little while and you have a better sense of why there’s so much free-floating anxiety today.

The cosmetics people are the most frequent offenders. Just when you finally find the perfect shade, boom! They go and take it off the market.

When I read somewhere that Britney Spears had $1,000 worth of lipsticks flown to her on tour, believe me, I certainly didn’t write that off as just another extravagant showbiz gesture. I knew she’d probably just heard that they were discontinuing her favorite color.

The cosmetics people have a particularly strange approach because often the truth is that the color you liked hasn’t actually vanished, but simply gone through a change of name. (It hasn’t vanished because, no matter what they try to make you believe, there are just so many shades of red – and since they can’t come up with new ones, they come up with new names.)

Still, you’ll probably waste a year of your life tracking down Sunset in Tahiti, and by the time you discover that it’s now Sunset in Tobago, you’ll know it’s just a question of time before it goes undercover again.

When they change the formula or even banish completely some item of food or makeup, or when they cancel a TV show that you like, it’s pretty darned annoying. But, ask any woman, nothing is as alarming as when the foundation garment manufacturers decide to stop making a certain style.  

I have an extremely well-endowed friend who spent years searching for a bra that, in its own modest way, is as much of an engineering miracle as the pyramids. Now my buxom friend lives in fear of the day when some executive puts her style into foundation Siberia. In fact, she’s told me that when the elastic finally wears out on the last one she is able to buy, she may never appear in public again.

I WAS recently asked for my favorite hint and it was hard to find an answer. My favorites are ones that work best. Here are some of them:

Most useful purchase: Vinegar
I wouldn’t eat salad without it – and it can do 1,001 household chores. Such as: Clean dishwasher by adding ½ cup vinegar to rinse cycle; deodorize toilet bowls by pouring in undiluted white vinegar, flush after 5 minutes; beat ants by washing counter tops, cabinets, and floors with equal parts vinegar and water; kill grass by pouring it full strength on sidewalks and driveways; cut rust on corroded or rusted bolt by soaking it in vinegar.

Fastest dessert: Hollywood Pie
It’s called that because it takes lots of waiting time and only five minutes of work. Chill a 14-oz. can of sweetened condensed milk for two hours. Add 2 tbls. lemon juice and beat with mixer on high speed for 5 minutes or until it becomes white and thick. Spoon into store-bought 9-in. graham cracker crust and chill several hours. Top with fresh or frozen fruit and whipped cream.

Cheapest pot saver: A marble:
Put one on the bottom of a double boiler. You hear it rattle when water boils away. No burned pots.

Most results for least effort:
Best way to get tomato sauce stains out of plastic containers? Leave them in the sun. Lie in a hammock and tell people you’re doing the dishes.

Great trick to convince mother-in-law or local snoop you’ve been cleaning all day. Spritz a few shots of pine-scented cleaner in the air.

Most surprising helpful hint from husband:
To perk up your shoulder pads, turn on the steam iron and hold pads close enough to get blast of steam. (He owned an upholstery business and used this on his foam pillows. You can, too.)

Kid’s best friend: Peanut Butter
Not only wonderful for lunch, it’s the most painless way to get chewing gum out of your hair.

Greatest Disappearing Act: Uncooked spaghetti
Use it instead of toothpicks to hold rolled-up fish fillets or chicken breasts. As food cooks, spaghetti cooks well. No splinters left in food.

Useful mergers: Condiments and coffeemakers
Combine salt and pepper (3 parts salt to 1 pepper is a good mix) in a shaker and speed up your seasoning! Or you can mix instant coffee and dry coffee
creamer in a single jar in the proportions you like and brew up a fast morning cup.

Quick shapeup: Restoring shrunken sweaters
If sweater has shrunk, you may be able to stretch it by soaking in solution of hair conditioner and water and pulling it gently.

OR dissolve 1 oz. borax in 3 tbls. hot water, add mixture to gallon of lukewarm water, immerse sweater, pull it gently into shape. Rinse in gallon of warm water plus 2 tbls. vinegar.
Handiest kitchen helpers: Shears

I use them for all these tasks: Dividing pizza into slices. Dissecting chicken. Snipping string beans. Slicing celery. Trimming fat off meat.

Cleverest new appliance: Hand Held Mixer
Braun makes it. It looks like a mixer but the blades are as strong as a blender’s. Hold it right in the pot to puree vegetables, blend soups, etc.

Most surprising party aid: Washing machine
To dry lots of salad greens, put washed leaves in clean pillowcase, knot it shut and toss case into washing machine with dial on spin dry.

Filling washing machine with ice and cans of soda. Family-size washer holds 24-can cases. When the party’s over, let the water run out.